Over the past 12 days I have been turning my life upside down. literally and figuratively. I have emptied boxes and cupboards and drawers. I have emptied my heart and mind. I have fasted and prayed and let the silence wrap its arms around me.
I have spread out years worth of photographs across my white bedspread. Staring into the faces of my newborns. Into the eyes of my cake smashing 1 year olds. At the blissfully happy newly weds unaware of anyone else around them. I’ve looked back on 9 years worth of life building with my husband. i’ve looked back at 2 years worth of hand lettering and community and business building. i’ve sat in the quiet with a million little moments of a life.
And I’m beginning to see something about myself. About Courtney Casper (who likes letters). There are parts of me, arguably some of the best parts, the ones that make up the very core of who I am, that want to be in charge of my whole life. They long to connect and help and teach and create. They want to run and laugh and go and see and taste. They are my lust for life and people and love. To give and listen and share and be.
But.
Without guidance, those parts of me get very loud and can leave me on empty, never satisfied, hungry for more. Eyes blood shot, but happy. Heart worn, but ready for another post, more words of connection, more outreach, more more more.
As I took in the nostalgia of my bed covered in photographs, it was just like the faint first smells of the Russian olive trees on our property in early June. Sweet, barley even there, but something. Something deep in my soul.. a little glimpse of sweetness after a long and dead winter. I wasn’t even sure what. I just knew that there was something stirring and it wasn’t the usual breeze. It wasn’t something I could display or share or perform or explain.
a few months ago, I designed a t-shirt for a company of mom’s trying to make a difference. They gave me some free reign to come up with the words. And as usual on projects that are just, “right”, the words and design poured out of me like an offering of vulnerability. Of art. Of me. (the shirt will be released WEDNESDAY!)
i just opened the package and the soft fabric fell into my hands and the words struck my heart, again. And in that moment, I knew what that “thing” was that was stirring somewhere deep in my soul.
That dang word. that sweet reminder of living and breathing. inspiration.
But what happens when inspiration comes and it’s not what you want, or expected? What happens when it goes against what you’ve been working toward and for and because of? What happens when inspiration feels like a leap into the unknown? What happens when it’s not easy or glamorous or measurable?
When that happens, welcome to LIFE. You’ve arrived.
There is a big difference in the words “be” and “live”. To “be” something, you can be it and then not be it. You can choose in a moment to be happy or loving or forgiving. You can be mean or kind. You can be inspired. And then the next moment not be inspired. It is a state, at that moment.
Living inspired is different. to me, It’s about living a life where inspiration leads the way. Not any other force, not even those wonderful parts of me that long for movement and people. living inspired means when you get that faint, sweet, stirring in your soul to walk a certain direction, regardless if it makes sense, you do it. Living inspired is brave. It’s letting inspiration pave the path towards whatever god wants for you. And for me, sometimes that’s not what I want. Not what I’ve planned or dreamed.
Over the past 12 days I have felt gods hand in my life and heart. I have felt filled up, and not in a temporary way. Not the kind of “filled” that eating an entire dozen of still warm Krispy Kreme donuts make you feel. The kind of filled that you feel, even hungry, after fasting and prayer. The kind of full that happens after a long day of playing and cooking and side walk chalk in the warmth of the sunshine that you’ve missed, terribly. Tired, messy, but full to the brim, with your phone battery still over 50%. The kind of satisfied after purging all the clothes you wore in past lives that don’t make you feel like “you”. (Give me all the Levis and inside out gray sweatshirts and white t’s.)
I’m telling you, living inspired is a new kind of living. It’s a new prescription pair of glasses. Blurry at first, but now I can see clearly.
Living doesn’t require anything, but you. Living doesn’t require heart eye emojis, or a certain pant size. It doesn’t require anything, but a whole you. One where you let the best parts of yourself run free on the trail that inspiration has blazed, towards things that matter. Towards people that will come sit at your table, or swing in your backyard. Towards dreams and goals and projects that mean something to, you. Towards charity and love and giving back. Towards showing up in the arenas of life that you are called to.
so live.
Live inspired.
And start today. Shed the layers of pleasing and performance. Shed the showmanship and tough winter skin. Let inspiration take your hand, and walk you to where your heart truly longs to be.
