wrestling.

hello! 

It's been a little while since I've sat and poured some heart stuff in this corner. I've been writing, a lot, just not for anyone to read. I can't quite explain it but the writings are this one long big note in my notes with headings and paragraphs that spill into the next heading. I'm not sure where its going, but I just keep following the call to write it all down.

But I've found that while I'm pouring into whatever THAT is, this space has lacked its usual umph. Even now I'm having a hard time narrowing down what I want and need to say! Blog posts are "supposed" to be short and sweet. I feel much more long winded. ha! 

At any rate! Hello! 

I was about to publish an Instagram post this morning cold turkey (what I call it when I have no real direction before I start typing the words onto the screen.) But when I started to type I realized... oh boy. this is gonna be a long one. 

Hence, I came here instead. 

I have been wrestling with the council and challenge from last weekends General Conference. I mean, wrestling. I'm not sure why, but I am going up against a LOT of fear and doubt. I'm battling my oh-so-common inner demons and I do not enjoy it. Tossing and turning all night, prayers that trail off and end in "I'm just not sure...", and the like. 

I keep circling back to-- surely President Nelson wasn't talking to me, right? 

Writing it out, and I actually laughed out loud. Lol-ed, if you will. 

So here's the deal. 

I know where fear and doubt come from, I know it all too well. I know it in my bones, in my heart, and I know it without a doubt. 

And it doesn't come from my God. it doesn't come from my Savior. 

I keep thinking of Peter, waves crashing and beating on their boat, voice in the wind, "come." 

Every logical argument for why digging in and surrendering to a prophets council points to "not a good idea." For a million reasons! 

I don't have time. 

it's bad for business. 

I don't really need a break from social media. 

I am already half way through the Book of Mormon.

I can't get to the temple with little kids and a crazy husband work schedule. 

and on and on and on. 

I am sure Peter had a list just as long and just as logical as to why he couldn't possibly walk OUT ONTO THE SEA AND WAVES. 

I will drown. 

This is crazy. 

I will DROWN. 

I keep circling back here. And wondering about Peters faith & trust in a higher plan, in a bigger picture, in a 30,000ft perspective that just because he couldn't see didn't mean that HE couldn't see. 

Peter stepped over the edge of the boat and onto the waves at the call of His Master. 

Am I willing to do the same? 

Especially when I can't see the higher perspective? 

Are you? 

Maybe you've already answered that for yourself, and if so, LOOK AT YOU! Virtual hugs-- because it's not just an easy "yes" or "no" decision. 

And if you've been like me, and engaging in an intense wrestle of faith and trust vs logic and fear, I'm going out on a limb and asking you to link arms with me and answer His call with a kind of courage and trust that goes beyond logical sense. A kind of faith that takes us farther and higher than our human selves could go and see. 

I get braver with you. Always. 

3...2...1... JUMP. 

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courtneycasper.letters@gmail.com

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