5pm; I needed a minute.
I could feel the emotion that I hadn’t felt over the past few months bubbling under the surface. A report card. A lie. A Burnt pan of cupcakes. Bad news on the ultra sound screen, again. An unanswered text message. An aching body. A tired heart. A messy kitchen.
I wasn’t sure what that minute needed to be, so I paced around my bedroom with the door closed for a few seconds. I wanted to lie down, but was antsy DO something to relieve the now building rage of tears.
I wanted to pray, but I couldn’t focus my thoughts. I wanted to feel the spirit, but the frustration had already taken over. I wanted to punch a whole in the wall, but I didn’t need another reason to be in a doctors office today.
I grabbed my lavender oil from my nightstand and dabbed a few drops on my neck and wrists. Deep breaths in. Long breaths out. In and out. In and out. After my nervous system had calmed down and the tears weren’t so angry, I pulled out my journal. The one I hadn’t written in since July. And I did the thing that doesn’t make room for exaggerating my emotion and instead grounds me to the Divine.
I started praying, on paper. Hands busy moving quickly across the page my heart pouring out in letters and words scribbled in between lines, I begin to feel tethered, instead of free falling. I begin to ease into the prayer. Thoughts turned to gratitude and my once angry & pounding heart, now open and eagerly listening.
By the time I’m done, I’m calm. The worry is less intense, and the frustration melting to peace.
That’s this moment. And it’s a mini miracle in my life. A witness of Gods goodness & always there reality. There to hold it all when I can’t any longer. There to comfort when it’s just me, pacing my room. He is there.
HE IS THERE.
__
You are LOVED.
4 comments
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Thank you for your authenticity. It helps to see how someone who seems “on track” actually manages their ups and downs. Hope all is well for you and your new baby! What a sweet time.
On the side, would you tell me what wide-margin Book of Mormon this is?
I need these moments too. I have never thought to write my prayer, perfect for me. Thank you for sharing this. I feel the spirit testifying that this is a great tool and will help me. Thank you!
I just want you to know…. I love reading everything you put on social Media.
You inspire me and you give hope on the days that I need it. Thank you so much for everything you do.
Jan Dallin